In Judaism we identify three types of prayer. Praise (shevach), request (bakasha) and thanksgiving (hoda'a). And the first two of those have confused and perplexed me for years.
I know this is very strange coming from me. I'm very Breslov-y in my approach to spirituality, and spontaneous, heartfelt prayer is a big part of Rebbe Nachman's philosophy. But my overly logical brain is in a constant struggle with it.
For me, thanksgiving is easy. I have a wonderful life. I have an amazing husband and two beautiful sons who give me lots of joy. I have been blessed with so many things. And when I take a moment to be grateful, it only increases my happiness. It's just a huge cycle of gratitude-joy that makes my life sweeter than honey. I can connect deeply to the Almighty on this level. He has given me so much. He loves me unconditionally and sorts out events so I will learn just what I need to learn without getting burned. And then--thanksgiving turns into praise. I have a hard time differentiating the two. Because I can't praise Someone I know nothing about; I can't praise Him for attributes I will never understand. "Great, Powerful, Omniscient..." These mean nothing to me, especially in the context of God, because they can't even begin to capture what He is. Nothing can capture what He is. What I can praise is what I know, and what I know is how He touches my life; and when He touches my life, I express my gratitude. So to me, thanksgiving and praise are one and the same.
I think it's important to be engaged in a constant dialogue with Him, and I will turn to Him for simple things like finding a pen or letting the light turn green. But it's the big, global requests that get me.
When I was in high school, I prayed with fervor. I prayed for rain. I prayed for the Messiah. I prayed for the violence to stop, for the world to get better. I prayed and I begged and I cried with everything I had. But the world didn't change, and all that happened to me was that I got burned out. Frustrated. What's the point of investing all this emotional energy if nothing seems to come from it? Why should I be focusing so sharply on these things that are missing from my world and will probably not be given to me anytime soon? And then I get angry. If You are doing this [insert bad thing] to inspire us to change our ways, how are we supposed to know what we're doing wrong if You never tell us clearly? Sure, we all think we're doing the right thing and following the Torah, but we're all doing it in different ways and all of us think we're right! So how is that not serving You properly? How can You punish us for not doing what we don't know?
My frustration and anger did nothing but push me away from Him. And that's not what prayer is supposed to do at all.
I spoke to my husband about it this morning in the context of the very clear skies we have been having. I want to pray for rain, but my frustration has left me apathetic. There are so many other factors involved, what is my little prayer going to do? Why work myself into despair over it when Daddy says no? Sure, they always say, it's like another little drop of water whittling away at the stone... but water doesn't have the hindsight to be jaded and understand that it's not really that drop that made the real difference, but the millions that came before and after...
He pointed out that maybe I should try to frame it differently. "Hashem sends us things to pray about because He wants us to talk to Him," he said. "If it's easier for you to focus on hoda'a, maybe you can thank Him for reaching out to you and giving you this opportunity to speak to Him, and to bring the Nation of Israel together in prayer."This made me think of how I have been learning to reframe my life in gratitude. Focusing on the moments of joy and telling myself that that's really what life is, and when things are stressful, they will soon change back into joy. It's an incredibly powerful and empowering tool. So why not universal issues as well? Maybe I can't see the benefit from the horrible things that are happening, but I can focus on the good things and I can believe that even the bad things are taking us someplace good. And I can thank the Almighty for all of that, rather than plead with Him to change it and despair when he doesn't. On the way, I can reminisce about the glorious miracle of rain He has sent us in the past, and tell Him I can't wait to feel His presence again the way I do when He sends us rain.
May gentle rains wash away all our fears and irrigate our Land with prosperity, health and abundance.
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